Expedition 3: Poor Unfortunate Souls

anguish anxiety car accident depression fear isolation judgement ptsd recovery suicide ursula

Trau-ma

  1. an event which cuts deep in your core and changes how you navigate life
  2. an injury or destruction of your sense of safety
  3. an obstacle that you can fight to overcome with support, spirituality and divination

A mental health diagnosis following a traumatic car accident has left me battling the beast of ANXIETY on a daily basis while fighting off bouts of DEPRESSION to keep me from falling off the edge of the earth. I continue to somehow keep it all together with the support of my husband, my daughter and some truly understanding friends. Unfortunately, recently I had been having dark thoughts so I have had to step away from my job due to the inability to cognitively function and a FEAR that I'm going to break. My choice to appeal to Big Pharma for stabilization has caused me extreme ANGUISH, worrying most about the long term addictive properties but confident that it is a short term solution to keep me safe from my own mind.

My therapist has told me that ANXIETY has its own personality and I should become its companion so I’m not so fearful of it…

My response “so you are telling me, my disorder has a disorder” he confirmed my worst fear. I can’t escape this monster so you want me to befriend it. He even suggested I give “HER” a name I am positive there is some deep rooted psychological reason the ANXIETY is a female but that I will save for a future post.

I was thinking of one of the nastiest names possible, one which would create a cringe worthy image as soon as it was said accompanied by a character image which was inescapable. While I would normally be drawn to big red lips, a curvaceous body and a larger than life persona this name and image defines everything that I battle moment to moment inside my head daily.

Her name is URSULA and with her quick humorous wit she has terrified me into allowing her to rob me of my voice. Forcing me into silence, then leaving me struggling to fight off the voice of my inner CRITIC. Just when I think I’ve escaped her GRIP she pulls me back in with her sorcery and those two slimy moray eels Flotsom and Jetsam who manage to further twist up all my thoughts.

Unlike most Octopus she only has six tentacles which gives me hope as I have a thing for the #3 which I’m sure I’ll talk more about later. Another odd fact that her character was inspired by a drag queen called “DIVINE”. Maybe I can find a few good qualities in her after all I mean she is a really succulent, fiery gal.

As the sun rises over the sea’s horizon in my mind I start to look for the silver lining in this particular expedition. It turns out URSULA was wrong when she sang “poor souls with no one else to turn to”. Is she kidding me? In the beginning of this expedition I may have set out on a solo voyage into the unknown.

But now I am opening myself up to VULNERABILITY and each day I try harder to defy the late Robin Williams quote which said...

"All it takes is a beautiful fake smile to hide an injured soul and they will never notice how broken you really are."

What I’ve uncovered since, found at the depths of the squid ink stained waters, is the most beautiful pearl of wisdom which URSULA gave me SILENCE. In that I’ve been able to uncover TRUTH and begin to SPEAK again without shame or stigma. In opening myself up to being VULNERABLE I've given a voice to my suffering and others are stepping forward to share their battle, stand by me no matter what and most of all to be there for me without JUDGEMENT.

If you know someone with a mental health issue or mood disorder don't question them, their symptoms or treatments. Meet them where they are listen, be supportive of their choices since you couldn't possibly know what they battle in their own minds day to day.

Let's be more compassionate towards each other without JUDGEMENT you never know when you may need the support yourself, I certainly didn't!

Peace, Light, Love

Source File:  WIKipedia retrieved on March 14, 2017

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ursula_(Dis


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